IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
Welcome to my annual ranking of the Top 15 Worst TSC entries! It is now time to cover 2017!
The picture below will probably be a good reflection of your facial expressions after listening to songs that are featured on this list.
Now for the rules:
– All songs sent in TSC between 265 to 300 are eligible (except for the decades, throwback and cover themes, poor Airil Amri won’t get featured, and technically 300 is not eligible then so it should be 265-299 but w/e)
– YET AGAIN, this is based on my personal opinion. Please do not take any offense from what I think of as they are strictly my thoughts, but I have no idea whether this disclaimer is useful because EVERY YEAR I get someone complaining about it. Don’t read it if you get offended, easy as that, if you are gonna cry about that then do it somewhere where you don’t look like a fool.
– Contrary to some weird belief, I don’t believe that my music taste is better than anyone else’s. This list is for you all to have some fun and laugh at possible comments I make.
– If you are disappointed that your stinker isn’t on this list (unlikely), there will be a dishonorable mentions list just for you to fap to your own entry!
Are you now ready to read all about the stinkers? Just a warning – there are a lot of videos so the page might be workin bit slowly for you. Do not forget to click the hyperlinks for the full ranking experience!
15. Nothing More – Don’t Stop (feat. Jacoby Shaddix)
Sent by Bibbles in TSC298, finished 22nd (last) with 5 points.
It is pretty clear to most of the TSC community that I am not a huge fan of modern hard rock. However, there are times when rock entries in TSC have some quality, unfortunately chances of that are none quite slim. While I do appreciate the effort some TSCers put by sending out risky entries from that genre (mainly from Adelesmom and Bibbles), the results are usually not in your favour, unless you put out something exceptionally good for the current state of rock scene. Considering how that genre sounded amazing in 1990s and early 2000s, it baffles me that since around 2010 there has been almost no evolution in terms of the quality of that music, and despite many attempts, none of the proper rock artists have been able to even come close to the quality of music bands such as Nirvana, Blink 182, Green Day, Evanescence or Linkin Park were able to produce.
Nothing More is another group that seems like it has been stuck with the progress of musical quality in the genre, as their song represents almost everything that is currently wrong with such music. The irritating vocal is not even close to being the main issue here, it is the fact that the structure of the song is completely messed up. The tune itself completely does not know whether it wants to be a rock song or a pop one, as the chorus pretty much just goes in the middle of those categories, robbing any chance of either side of the music spectrum to warm to “Don’t Stop.” With a song title like this, I suggest Nothing More do something different.
14. Knife Party – Bonfire
Sent by DallasAndrew in TSC287, finished 25th (last) with 3 points.
Released at the peak of this horrible. over-the-top dubstep trend, Knife Party’s “Bonfire” embraces something that can be described as “we have no idea how to incorporate several sounds together so let’s just throw everything into one pile hoping that someone will buy this shit,” except the video for this has received over 50 million views which kind of makes me question whether people were forced to listen to this “song.” I would like to ask the 414k people that liked this video about what they enjoyed about this tune, except for the fact that it is original sounding, which means absolute batshit when a piece like this is also considered unique. Maybe it is the video that they enjoyed, but I do not think an advert of their EP being released on 4th June 2012 is worthy of winning Tengaged Video Contest, let alone TSC. I guess me and the 9k people that disliked this video should form some sort of a club of people who have not lost their hearing yet. Meanwhile, to recover from listening to this mess, please take a peek at their somewhat better release with SHM.
13. Gazelle Twin – Belly Of The Beast
Sent by Striky in TSC267, finished 19th with 25 points.
2017 was a year where TSC has put emphasis for entries to be more unique-sounding to be considered winner-worthy. With a shift in the direction that the group is now barely maintaining, I expected some super left-field songs to be entered and I got just that. The extent to how successful this approach varies, and Gazelle Twin unfortunately ended up on the wrong side of the story.
This song is a representation of how bland Die Antwoord would sound without having Yolandi in their group. The level of weirdness of the production is not something that I enjoy at all, but at least with someone as unique-sounding as Yolandi, Die Antwoord’s song had some sort of identity in a way that in a music test, you would be able to tell that it is their song just by hearing one syllabe of her singing. In this case, Gazelle Twin’s attempt to differentiate themselves from the rest of the industry falls really flat, as she sounds pretty much like every trying-to-be-different-but-pedestrian-sounding singer. As a result, all you get from this are some bizarre noises accompanied with a singer that should probably start looking for a new job.
12. Sophie Colquhoun, Jim Howick & John Hasler – The Hottest Place In Town
Sent by Ryan5676 in TSC295, finished 20th (last) with 1 point.
When entries like this are sent into TSC, it does make you think about introducing a minimum age to enter the group. I mean, there is already an age limit rule on TG that nobody gives a fuck about, proving that introducing a separate rule into Tengaged Song Contest would be as useful as Christina Aguilera’s career progress in 2017. However, I am still amazed that someone can be so bad at sending acceptable-quality songs into the contest full of pop music, but then we are talking about Ryan, the master of self-composed music, so maybe I should be more respectful towards him – especially when he released around 7 songs ready to be featured on his future album. Now back to the song, if you are not under 6 years old, then I suggest you avoid clicking the play button, unless you want your childhood to be completely ruined.
11. Agnes Monica – Things Will Get Better
Sent by DrG2 in TSC283, finished 16th with 48 points.
I must admit – you really need balls to name a song as horribly cheesy as this “Things Will Get Better,” because from the moment the soppy piano starts playing, I assure you that they will not get better, instead, things will get progressively worse. I just feel sorry for people who actually listen to this with hope that it will make them feel better. Honestly, considering the fact that this popped up right before the video started should have already got me prepared for a song which serves absolutely no purpose except to show off your vocals at times. What really makes my head twist is the fact that the uploader of this video described this song as “a good one of her,” which might indicate that she has got even worse songs that have not been entered into TSC yet. I seriously hope that my assumption here is completely wrong.
10. DSV – I Am Me
Sent by LoveMeLoveMe in TSC282, finished 21st with 28 points.
A lot of people in the group like to draw completely inaccurate conclusions of my music preferences, to the point that most of the time such players end up looking like idiots. Regarding this comment made by our favourite LGBT ally, just because a song was entered from Asia does not mean I am going to automatically like it, especially when you have someone as untalented as DSV being signed to a record label. I cannot exactly say much about this except maybe for the fact that it is funny to watch someone so deluded about how great they are at everything. Well, funny until this was taken all the way to some sort of a live stage. Poor kids, imagine having “backing dancer for DSV” on your CV while applying for a more prospective job, like being a supporting singer for Kristina Karo.
9. Mikhail – Sail Back
Sent by DallasAndrew in TSC294, finished 20th (last) with 1 point.
Speaking of our favourite protector of equality, he sure is patriotic when it comes to sending songs from his own country. It is just a pity that most of the time it just demonstrates how the ballad side of Romanian music scene is so far behind with the production quality of their releases. It really makes it clear that something as out there as “Yodel It!” easily won their national finals, because rap-yodelling is something that has not been done in mainstream music until Ilinca used her ear-piercing voice in that chorus. Back to Mikhail, the biggest problem in “Sail Back” has got toe be the fact that he goes over-the-top with his vocals to the point that his vocal showoff actually sounds awful. It is one thing to be a vocalwanker with a smooth vocal, it is another thing to attempt vocalwanking with a voice as unstable as this. The end result is obviously crap, but at least be happy that the Romanian public was not dumb enough to send this into ESC, because that way EBU would have probably disqualified them from competing again.
8. Play N Skillz – Literally I Can’t (feat. RedFoo, Lil’ Jon & Enertia McFly)
Sent by TolisKalkas in TSC290, finished 18th (last) with 5 points.
At least the song title is an accurate reflection on how most of the TSC contestants felt when they heard this cheap copy of The Chainsmokers’ “#SELFIE.” God knows (or doesn’t) why Tolis decided to send this pile of faeces into that contest. There are so many negative emotions surrounding me whenever I am forced to listen to EDM on budget, because music like this usually ends up sounding like ass. On top of horrible production, we also have one of the least talented rappers in the world, namely Redfoo, who has been involved in utter crap since he stopped releasing for LMFAO. The song was already terrible without him, imagine my amazement with how much he was able to ruin this bullshit entry even more. I would go on about how much I dislike this guy, but I shouldn’t waste too much of a breath over people who claim to be “rappers” when they measure their skillset by the size of their penis.
7. Aynine – Zapper
Sent by Insanity17 in TSC292, finished 16th with 18 points.
This song easily takes the title for the most dull, boring upbeat entry in the TSC history. It really takes talent for a song with 126 beats per minute to be so fucking bland and uninteresting, even after using autotune on her vocal, probably to slightly push the song over the edge of edginess. Unfortnately, Aynine even fails at that, as this single isn’t much different to the most generic stuff played on the radio, so I am just wondering what is the purpose of the existence of this song, at least the video provides us with this. I imagine if they took even more risks with the robotic vocal effects, the song would become trashier, but also more captivating at the same time which just shows how sometimes being conservative with music magic does not always work in your favour, especially when you sound as bored as Aynine.
6. Anastasia Gladilina – Pover
Sent by adeleadele in TSC286, finished 25th (last) with 3 points.
Since this post has so far been contaminated with the huge influence of negativity, I thought that may be for this entry I should tell you some sort of a fairytale – especially when this entry is sung by someone who probably is too young to take my kind of criticism lightly. So here you have my view on how this atrocious balladfest was probably produced:
Producer: Hey, I produced a song for you, just sing the lyrics here in that generic melodic line
Anastasia: k
I am not even kidding – I really believe that the discussion regarding the process of finalising this song was shorter than 4 lines or even less. I just cannot see why would they just give this young girl a slightly less depressing version of Russia’s horrible supposed ESC 2017 entry. Thank fuck that Ukraine banned them from entering the latter song in the name of good music.
5. Judy Zhu – ccCyborggg
Sent by Striky in TSC269, finished 24th (last) with -22 points.
Jesus. As I mentioned earlier, TSC has developed some sort of an obsession for entries to sound unique, but Judy Zhu takes that to another level, and I don’t mean that in a good way. There is little that makes sense in this “piece of art,” therefore I had to read the description of this video provided by Judy herself to even get some sort of a glimpse of what she was trying to achieve.
This is my very first touch on electronic music. In this piece, I tried to make the sound of cyborg a “body without organs”: deterritorialize audio form and substance. Abandoning any real interest in form, pitch, or loudness, I portrayed this 2D/3D sonic cybotron “phuture” with human voice, Serge, Nord modulars and soft synthesizers. The whole song was driven by the desire of machine. A piece that is beyond human, the subject, and the person. The sound of organic and non-beings merged together and breaks the boundaries between each other. The humanity in the sound of cyborg is the sound itself. Vise versa.
Well, the fact that this is her first touch on electronic music is pretty apparent, as the compilation of effects she has chosen are so avant-garde that even Bjork would probably be too weirded off to use. What is really striking is the fact that by reading her description it becomes pretty apparent that she is extremely proud of her release, which makes me want to show her the reception she has received by the TSC community. She has shown that music production is not for everyone, especially for…
4. Ryan Brown – Call Me
Sent by Ryan5676 in TSC277, finished 23rd (last) with 0 points.
This guy. I must admit that this is definitely Ryan’s best production by far, but considering that we have to compare it to an accurately named “(I) Walked Away,” and less accurately called “Catchy Song,” then we really have nothing to discuss here. Production-wise, “Call Me” starts off in such a similar fashion to Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit song that it almost qualifies as a direct copy. Fortunately for him (and unfortunately for us), he changes things up during the chorus which is the typical ear-piercing bullshit that Ryan is used to making.
What I find hilarious about this is that after every TSC when we absolutely wreck his own releases with a universal negative reception, he removes the video, ONLY TO POST HIS OWN SOUNDCLOUD WHERE HIS ALL DISASTER-PIECES ARE AVAILABLE. He should definitely try out for San Marino’s 1 in 360 Eurovision selection since he actually is not as bad as some of the entries there. Not that Ryan is any good, but you know, always worth a try since San Marino hasn’t been exactly known for the quality of their Eurovision entries.
We are now entering the territory of entries even worse than Ryan Brown above. Get ready.
3. Fresh Boy – Turun Naik Oles Trus (feat. Blasta Rap Family)
Sent by DrG2 in TSC282, finished 23rd (last) with 1 point.
It is some sort of an achievement to be called “Fresh Boy” when you have music as rotten as this. Usually with artists who are not exactly great singers, the production overuse is the most characteristic thing that you notice that has the purpose to kind of shift you away from the vocal performance. Whoever made “Turun Naik whatever” did the complete opposite of what is usually done, and that made the final result even WORSE. Throughout the 4 minutes of this tune, there is nothing exciting that happens, the song is so one-dimensional that it makes Katy Perry’s music sound Grammy-worthy. The most noteworthy aspect of this entry is the fact that their vocals are so obviously autotuned, even though I can tell that the mixing guys tried to make the effects as subtle as possible (you can hear that the volume is slightly all over the place during the chorus).
It baffles me that something as bland as this has so far been able to gather over 6 million views on YouTube in a pretty short span of time. Can someone try and enlighten me on how popular they are? Their group name is so fucking unsearchable that I end up drawing a blank every time I try to look them up, not that I actually want to do that.
2. Zammuto – My Dog’s Eyes
Sent by Striky in TSC265, finished 23rd (last) with 7 points.
Regular readers of my reviews knew that this fucking bullshit of a song was going to do very well on this list, it was just the matter of which position it was gonna finish in. As you can see, pretty damn close to the top. Comparing this to all Ryan Brown songs, I came to the conclusion that I would rather listen to our beloved TSC contestant than to this minimalism at the very worst. Of course, this is like saying that I would rather swallow diarrhea than swallow diarrhea as well as having it injected in my ears.
My biggest issue with Zammuto’s piece of turd is the delivery of this crappy attempt to be so different – they went way too far with being outside the box that the final product is basically featuring an extremely robotic voice, similar to Siri or Google Translate, to pretty much talk-sing the words they inserted for it to pronounce. This is all played over the same chords which try to create some sort of magical effect to probably get kids to calm down when they refuse to co-operate during the kindergarten sleeping break, but anyone who is over the age of 6 should probably be able to recognise that this is just annoying and pointless music that should have never seen the light.
Now, you must be curious which entry has reached the coveted top spot on the most important TSC ranking out there. Your wait is almost over:
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1. Ladybaby – Age Age Money
Sent by DrG2 in TSC285, finished 24th (last) with 3 points.
A TSC newcomer, DrG2, reached the summit (or the bottom) of this ranking. He must be extremely proud of this achievement, to the point that he stopped playing TSC after like 5 contests.
Back to the song, nevermind the fact that this even got permission to be published, because the only reasons for the existence of this trainwreck must be the world’s obsession with how bizarre Japan can get with their musical artists, and they have certainly lived up to that. Pity that Japan is probably the most behind out of all developed Asian countries in terms of musical quality, as songs from their country continue to be so bad that even the most hated K-pop artist would turn down offers to collaborate with Japanese musicians (although there might be a political agenda behind that).
While reading about the background on how Ladybaby was created, I have quickly come to the conclusion that their purpose is clearly to become some sort of viral superstars just because they stand out so much from the crowd (not for particularly great reasons). The two female members are your typically trained J-pop idol singers – their vocals are extremely twee even for the K-pop standards where almost every female singer already sounds childish enough. Then, you have Ladybeard, a guy called Richard Magarey who is 17 years older than the youngest member of the group, and the input he has is mostly related to growling out the lyrics that he is given, because I seriously doubt that he writes such bullshit himself. Ladybeard himself is a professional wrestler, so imagine how embarassing he must feel when he talks about his other passions to his wrestling buddies. I just imagine that one conversation looked exactly like this:
Richard’s Buddy: Hey, I was wondering why I have not been seeing you on wrestling stages recently – have you had any different commitments?
Richard: Yes, I have been performing on tour as a part of a rock group
Richard’s Buddy: Oh, I didn’t know that you have been making music! What kind of rock releases do you have under your belt
Richard: I must say my current music is quite unique, it definitely stands out from the crowd. Let me just show you!
*Richard shows his friend a video of him being featured in Ladybaby’s Age Age Money*
Richard’s Buddy: Richard, what in the goddamn fuck is this?
Richard: Do you not like it?
Richard’s Buddy: I must be honest with you. this seems so wrong to me. You work with girls who are around half your age and even less, and you participate in singing music that even Satan would be scared of. In addition to that, you fucking cross-dress like some idiot, like seriously!
Richard: How dare you criticise my look there!
Richard knocks his friend down. His buddy loses his conciousness right after hitting the ground.
Richard: Gosh, what a fucking idiot, he has no idea what he is talking about. Ok, maybe he is right about working with girls so young and people might find it a bit inappropriate. I should probably just leave this band and form my own group with another wrestler, that will show them!
That’s it for my worst of list of 2017! The dishonorable mentions and favourites lists will be available soon, so keep an eye on my Tengaged blog!
Ricktworick1's TSC Rankings 
